I am in extreme pain. And I don’t mean a mental affliction, a blow to the heart and soul. I mean real, physical, stabbing death, gasp out loud even when you’d rather not type pain.

I was sitting on the bus on the way to work today and suddenly my back started to spasm. It would do it randomly, whether I’m sitting still, moving, though more often when I take a deep breath. I’ve had this problem since I threw my back out for the first time when I was 17. When I was still working with the ponies, I’d hurt it all the time, especially when we were loading/unloading at shows. It is probably sciatica, though like most of the other mildly serious injures that  I’ve received, I’ve never had it properly checked. However, it has been pointed out to me by another that I usually complain the most when I’m experiencing some stressful event. Now, I can deal with a 1500 pound animal trying to kill me, I can deal with tight deadlines and hard work, I can deal with other people’s extreme and unnecessary emotional angst around me. 

The thing that stresses me out more than anything is money.  Probably because when something goes wrong financially in my life, it means bad things. I do not have any savings, never really have. My parents do not have any savings, and have made a relatively low income their entire lives.  I have no partner to leach off of and I don’t think I would even if I could. I’ve always had a strong aversion to borrowing from other people, though I’m pretty lenient when you ask me.  It’s strange, because I’ll mooch food and other goods and services with the shameless aplomb of a trannie whore. I dislike currency, yet covet it. Someone gives me a toonie and it’s a life altering event. I have massive student loans, credit card debt, and all the other bills that people acquire in this world.  And as I look back, I’m realizing that any mishap with my student loans is an instant (or near instant) invitation for fiery pain.

What this amounts to, in my completely non-expert opinion, is that I have some sort of psychosis. I get stressed, and my body punishes me. This is a stupid psychological reaction, and I’d be extremely interested in reading some sort of research as to why.  Probably my body is telling me to avoid financial ruin. Well, thank you body, I got the point and I’m doing my best, but right now call centre is the only answer I have for you. And Robaxacet(c), sweet, sweet, robaxect.  Probably mixed with bourbon.